


I Do Too.

by thesameoldfairytale



Category: Spartacus Series (TV)
Genre: M/M, Modern AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-10
Updated: 2013-07-10
Packaged: 2017-12-18 08:54:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/877967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesameoldfairytale/pseuds/thesameoldfairytale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Agron feels things, Nasir feels things but neither really knows how to express them.</p><p>(Written from Agron's POV.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Do Too.

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to J. for always encouraging me to write anything and to A. for inspiring me to finally write a fanfic.

I didn’t know why he was there and he wouldn’t tell me either, despite me asking him more than once. He just sat there staring at me and sipping at his coffee. Normally I felt warm, safe and simply happy in his company and I used to think that he felt the same way, even though he never said it outright. But something had obviously changed, not so much within me I thought but apparently for him. I’ve only known him to be a cheerful person, serious when required but always smiling and being polite to every living soul. But the way he presented himself right then made him look even smaller than he usually was and I had no idea what was causing him to act that way.

Nasir sat at the kitchen table while I was leaning against the stove hardly looking at him. He was silent and I didn’t push him to say anything but he started to make me nervous. First he put his feet up on another chair, then he crossed his legs before finally putting both of his feet on solid ground under the table. He started shaking, his fingers clinging to the coffee mug like it was the only thing keeping him from running out of my flat screaming. His long black hair looked even darker in the afternoon sun that was shining through the window. 

I felt my heart begin to race, yet I tried my best to appear calm to Nasir although even by that point I still didn’t know why he came to see me and what he had to say to me. I didn’t want to make this, whatever it was, even harder for him as he obviously already had more than enough trouble to tell me what was going on.

The impatience in me grew, so did my concern for Nasir. When I finally lifted my head to look at him, I couldn’t tell if he was about to start laughing or crying. He was staring at the table, his grip around the cup still tight but his legs gave him away. They were shaking uncontrollably and his face started to sparkle in the sunlight. His forehead was wet with sweat and anticipation. I felt the sudden urge to touch him, to tell him that everything was going to be alright but I couldn’t bring myself to talk. Yet before I even noticed what I was doing I was walking up to him, grabbing a chair and sitting down next to him.

“Nasir?” His eyes were still glued to his coffee mug. I wasn’t sure if he was scared or if he was just nervous. I put my hand on his cheek and turned his head because I needed him to look me in the eyes. I wanted him to know that he was safe, that there was no reason to be afraid of anything while he was with me but I couldn’t tell him those things. We were friends, not lovers and all the things I wanted to say to him would’ve clearly given him the impression that my feelings exceeded those of a simple, yet strong friendship. The impression would’ve been true nevertheless. 

I could feel his body shudder in its entirety when I put my hand upon his face. He turned to look at me and once our eyes met, I almost forgot what happened during the last thirty minutes, or rather what did not happen. Nasir’s face was elegant as always, beautiful as an old painting and yet I saw sadness, anxiety and doubt in his big brown eyes. I never noticed before how dark his eyes really were but right there at that moment I wondered if someone could ever really get lost in someone else’s gaze. 

We were just staring at each other and I didn’t dare to take my hand away from his cheek. Touching Nasir felt good, not only good but right. I’ve been waiting for this kind of intimacy for far too long and every time we’ve previously had any physical contact it was always an accident, a playful nudge or the occasional hug when we greeted each other. It’s never been more than that but it’s been a massive deal for me each time. 

Nasir lowered his eyes back onto the table and I suddenly felt shame rising inside of me. Even though I didn’t want to lose touch with him, I quickly pulled my hand back from his face. “I… I’m sorry, Nasir. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” I felt really small, even smaller than Nasir looked, and I didn’t know what to do next. “You didn’t”, Nasir whispered quietly. He was looking directly at me when I lifted my head. I knew he could see the surprise written on my face but he didn’t comment on it. His face was still impossible to read, even his deep brown eyes didn’t give anything away but for some reason the atmosphere in the kitchen remained a sad and uncertain one. 

Another couple of minutes went by while we were just looking at each other. Nasir stopped shaking, yet I could sense that he was still nervous by the way he sat next to me, holding all limbs as close to his torso as possible. I was running out of patience and my fear grew steadily with each minute that passed and he didn’t say anything. My mind was torn in two, one half wanting to know what was going on and why he came by without calling and the other half didn’t want this moment to end. We were just looking each other in the eyes and I knew Nasir was afraid of something but I refused to let the fear, in me and him, take over. 

I could’ve stared at him forever. I didn’t notice that he was moving but when I felt his hand on my knee, I almost pulled my chair back in shock but I didn’t. I enjoyed his touch much more than I probably should have because I knew that we were simply friends and nothing else. I looked down at his hand with sheer joy, secretly hoping that Nasir wouldn’t notice how happy I was about this simple gesture that probably meant nothing special to him. 

“Agron…”, Nasir started to say but almost immediately went silent again. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so confused between him looking at me like the morning would never come, touching me with his slim elegant fingers and all the worry that was starting to not only fill my heart but my entire body. “Nasir, what is going on? You’re really making me nervous as fuck right now!” I reached for his hand that was still on my knee even though his body started to turn around again facing the table. “Nasir, please! You have got to talk to me. I… I’m starting to get really freaked out and… please, just… talk to me, ok?” I didn’t care anymore about boundaries or proper friendship behaviour. I just needed to know what was causing him so much pain and distress. I took his face into both of my hands and made him face me once again. “Please!” Suddenly his eyes seemed to shine. His face on the other hand was completely expressionless. There was no sadness, no anxiety, no fear, yet his eyes were lightening up for no apparent reason. 

I kept my hands on his face, waiting for him to say something, anything, to me. He then took his hand from my knee and I felt disappointment running through every muscle of my body. A second later his hands were grabbing my wrists and held onto them tight but gentle. His lips began to curl and I thought I saw a little smile appearing but it was only for a moment. It faded away before I was even able to make sure it was actually there. He lowered his eyes again but I could feel him leaning towards my hands. He obviously liked it that I touched him, he enjoyed my skin on his and once I realised that, I thought there were fireworks going off in my chest. Pure happiness seemed to take over but at the same time the question as to why he came to see me got even bigger. My concern seemed to grow endlessly and I sensed that Nasir knew he couldn’t drag this out for much longer. I’ve never been much of a patient person but somehow when it came to Nasir, I could control myself.

When I was with him I felt like a completely different person. Every time we parted ways after a nice game of football, a movie, a fun get together with the other guys or just a cup of coffee in the city, I could feel that new and better person inside of me was hurting. I liked the way he made me feel and I liked the person he inspired me to be when I was with him. 

Nasir gave it another shot eventually. “Agron, I…” He was still looking down, so I lifted his face and made him look me in the eyes. “What is it?” I was giving myself away and I knew he could see the insecurity in my eyes wondering why he didn’t tell me what was going on. “I… I need to tell you something.” He immediately went silent again and it felt like it took him so much courage already to just say that he wanted to tell me something, which made me even more nervous. Whatever it was that he wanted to say it was obviously very important to him and even though the tension was killing me, I tried not to push him, at least not too much. “Then tell me”, I said to him as calm and friendly as possible. He kept quiet, again. I sighed and didn’t know what else to say. It felt like there was nothing I could actually do to make him confide in me and tell me whatever it was that was making him act so strangely. 

All of a sudden his grip around my wrists got really firm and I looked up at him more surprised than hurt. I always figured that despite of his size Nasir was nevertheless a strong person, physically, mentally and emotionally. Right at that moment though I did start to wonder if he really was as strong at keeping his feelings together as I always assumed he would be. He removed my hands from his face, dropped them in my lap and got up. He started to pace around the room, suddenly going all nervous again and not quiet-nervous but driving-me-insane-nervous. He was walking around the kitchen like someone or something was chasing after him and it seemed like he would be running if the kitchen were any bigger and he had more space to do so.

“I can’t do this anymore, you know? I always thought I could but lately… it’s been all I could think about and… and it’s really bugging me – in a good way though, not in a bad way of course.” He kept pacing around the table while I was sat there like a stone unable to move even an inch. Not even my eyes could follow him around the kitchen. I was just staring into space and trying to make any sense of what Nasir was rambling on about. “I don’t know why I kept telling myself that eventually it would go away and it wouldn’t bother me anymore but I… I wanted to ignore whatever it was that was in my head for so long but it keeps coming back over and over again, screaming its way through my mind. I tried everything to get that voice out of head but it just won’t leave.” 

He grabbed his coffee mug and all I could think was that he didn’t need any more caffeine although I had no idea if that was the reason why he went all crazy. There was a chance though that it might have been the caffeine after all, so I instinctively took the mug out of his hands. He stopped for a moment, looked at me quickly and then just kept pacing around the kitchen. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. Have you ever felt so lost that you thought you would never be able to think straight again?” It was obvious that Nasir didn’t expect an answer to that question, so I kept my mouth shut and didn’t say anything. Plus I had a feeling he wasn’t done yet. Actually I hoped he wasn’t done yet because up until that point, I still had no bloody idea what he was actually talking about.

“This is all so fucked up, you know?” I had never heard him swear and if it wasn’t clear to me before that what he wanted to tell me was important, it was that second that I knew it was definitely important. “I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted anything in this regard. I never wanted to… to feel… things. It’s been eating me alive for a while now and I really have to get it out. I can’t wait any longer, Agron. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t… No, I don’t want to keep pretending anymore. But… I’m scared. I’ve never really been in love before, let alone with someone like you and…” He suddenly stopped pacing realising what he had just said. My eyes shot up from the table and met his across the room. It felt like I saw my reflection in his face. He looked just as shocked as I probably did. “Wh-What? I mean… what did you just say?” He stared at me for another couple of seconds and I knew he was about to lose his shit completely. “Oh god… oh god… oh god…”, he kept saying over and over again while he started running around the kitchen once more, totally lost and afraid and insecure. 

“Nasir… please… please stop running!” I didn’t have the slightest idea what was actually happening but him pacing around like a complete lunatic didn’t allow me to clear my mind and think properly. “Nasir, please!” My voice got louder without my intention but it made him stop, just for a second though. He slowed down and continued to walk circles around the kitchen saying “oh god, oh god, oh god…” more so to himself than anyone else. I sighed really loud and was close to banging my head on the table. I had no idea what was really going on but I couldn’t ignore the little flame in my chest that Nasir had just ignited with his ramblings from before. 

After what felt like an eternity to me, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was certain that all the patience that I had stored in my body since Nasir started to behave this weird, was used up by now and I just needed to know for sure why he was there, what he wanted from me and why he was so freaked out. I was still sitting at the kitchen table when Nasir passed by my chair again. “Nasir!” I quickly got up and grabbed his arm causing him to almost trip and fall but he didn’t. Instead he was running so fast and my grip on his arm was so firm that he basically bounced back against my chest. I still held his arm when he looked up at me, his eyes shy, innocent and still very insecure of what he was doing, thinking and apparently feeling.

A quick moment passed and I let go of his arm. I hoped that Nasir could see how unsure I was and that it was not just him who had no idea how to act or what to say. He immediately took a small step back and grabbed his arm where I held it just a second ago as if my touch had burned his skin. He looked down at his hand which was exactly at the same spot my hand had been. I watched him as he quickly let his tongue slide over his lower lip and I had to remind myself to breathe. When he looked up again his lips were turning into a tiny little smile, the smile I wasn’t sure had been there before but now it was definitely there and I felt the flame burning in my chest once again. I knew he wouldn’t say anything and that it was up to me to pick things up where we left off. “Again, what were you saying before?” I wasn’t sure what else to say. This just had to do but Nasir immediately lowered his head again. “No! No, Nasir! Look at me!” He immediately took another step back and the smile was gone as well. He was scared and I just couldn’t figure out why. If he really meant what he had said before, there was no reason to be scared of anything. I took a step towards him and asked him again to look at me. “Nasir, please just look at me!” I pleaded and Nasir could hear the desperation in my voice as well, I was sure of that.

He eventually did look at me and then it was me who kept talking without really thinking about the words that came oozing out of my mouth. “I’m not quite sure what you were actually talking about before and I gotta admit I didn’t grab a lot of it. You were running around here like an idiot and that was quite frankly rather distracting.” I saw shame and embarrassment in his eyes and I wished that he would know that there was no reason for him to feel either of those things. “Anyway, whatever it is that you want to say to me, please just tell me. Whatever it is I can handle it. I don’t… I’m not sure if I understood you right before but I think I have an idea what you were about to say. I just don’t… want to make a fool out of myself by assuming something that might not be true, so I need you to tell me what it is that you want me to know. If it really is what I think it is, then please be assured that I… I do too.” 

The next thing I remember is that Nasir almost came running at me, even though he was only a step away from me. He controlled himself and didn’t jump at me right away but he threw his arms around my neck, one hand moving down slowly to my upper back while the other one moved up into my hair. Before I even had a second to comprehend what was actually happening, I felt his soft lips on mine. His hands on my body, his lips on my lips – it felt like that little flame inside my chest turned into a massive bonfire. We were not like two teenagers going at it behind a tree hiding from everyone else in a park, not at first at least. I wasn’t able to move, my hands were down at my side, my body not able to function at all. It was a sweet and shy kiss, no tongues involved but it felt like everything I ever needed. It was everything I hoped it would be. I thought about this moment for a thousand times but I never dared to wish that it would ever become reality. 

Nasir then realised what he was doing and he abruptly pulled back embarrassed. “What the…?!” That was all I could think of and I knew in an instant that it was definitely the wrong thing to say. “I’m sorry, Agron. I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry.” Nasir was clearly confused about what he just did but I closed the gap between us once again before he had another second to question how appropriate this kiss may or may not have been. “Oh, shut up, will you?!” was all I could say before I grabbed his face for the hundredth time this afternoon and kissed him again. 

My right hand held his face gently on the side while my left hand found its way into his beautiful black hair. It still appeared even darker than it normally was but that just made it, and Nasir in general, even more astonishing. He put his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him while my hands seemed to move all over his body as if they had only this one chance to touch and explore everything Nasir had to offer. Our lips never parted and I wasn’t sure how long this moment would last or what might happen after it passed but I didn’t care. My mind was occupied with all of Nasir’s gorgeous features, including his incredible lips that were still running somewhat shyly over my own, even though they clearly wanted more. 

I eventually stopped the kiss, not because I wanted to but because I had to. I needed a second to pull myself together and process what we were doing. I was genuinely overwhelmed and couldn’t quite believe how right this felt. Kissing Nasir was wonderful and all I could do was wonder why we never did it before. “So, you were saying something?” He couldn’t take his eyes off of me and I didn’t want him to either. Our foreheads were touching and hands were still all over each other. I enjoyed every second of it but I had to find out what this was all about. I didn’t want to risk what we had – as friends. Bottom line was that I didn’t want to lose him. It was my turn to be scared. Nasir didn’t say anything, he just kept looking at me and once again there was this warmth in his eyes, the warmth that was absent from his face for far too long. 

He was trying to organise his thoughts and find words to voice them to me. “I… I need you, Agron. I don’t know why or where or when it happened but I… I’ve been feeling things lately that I just… I just can’t ignore them anymore.” Nasir wanted to be honest, I could feel it and I could see it but he was obviously not sure how to properly express himself. “You know?”, he asked shyly. “I do know cos…” I took a deep breath and leaned into him. “This”, and I kissed him again, “is something I’ve been waiting for”, I gave him another quick kiss, “a long long time now!” When I got that out I felt relief spreading through my entire body and so did Nasir as he began to smile. It was a genuine, happy and loving smile and most importantly, it was a smile only meant for me.

The light in his eyes made my heart melt and I couldn’t believe how wonderful that felt. I pushed him against the kitchen table and lifted him up, so he was sitting on top of it. Now I had to look up to him and for the first time in my life it didn’t feel intimidating to me to have to look up to someone. After all, it was Nasir looking down on me and there was no greater sight in my life at that point than his face glowing with happiness like the afternoon sun that was still shining through the kitchen window.

**Author's Note:**

> I normally write theatre and screen plays rather than prose (or poetry). This fanfic business is pretty new to me and this one-shot here is my first attempt on a fanfic ever, so please be kind. :) Feel free to drop me a line/comment and let me know what you think!


End file.
